Physics of Cat Hair

When I have guests coming over, guests that I know about anyway, I clean my house. I clean it top to bottom. I learned that from my mom, except she cleaned for the unknown guests, just in case someone decided to stop by. And she cleans so much better than I do. Maybe I didn’t pay enough attention. And I don’t clean for unexpected guests, but I do prefer my friends to think that I am a slight slob, not the giant slob that my mom knows I am. And this brings me to today’s blog. I had something else planned, but I just got done cleaning, and I am amazed at the physics of cat hair. Cat hair defies logic as well as laws of physics.

Now, before I go into the cat hair itself, I want it known that my cats are also slobs like me. I have to vacuum up a lot of cat food from around the cat dishes. They have dishes! Why don’t they eat over their bowls? No, they grab a mouthful, and then they just eat over the floor. I don’t even know why I bother with the bowls.  And it’s not just on the floor. I have to clean cat food off the walls. How the hell did the food get that high on the wall? It was a foot high at least. Was there a cat food fight? Anyway, onto the places I have found cat hair.

Ignoring the obvious places like the floor and carpets and my bed, some of the places I have found cat hair is amazing. I have found it on clothes hanging in a closet. Obviously one of the houseguests has found a new place to nap. Although, how cat hair got that high defies logic. I have found cat hair in the master bathroom sink. And this I can actually explain. Loki, being a maine coon, loves water. So whenever I am in the bathroom, he’s in there with me sitting on the sink, usually I turn on the faucet for him to drink out of. So, that’s explains that. Though having a cat guest in the bathroom is a little creepy.

I have found cat hair in the clothes washer. WHAT?!?!? Isn’t the washer self-cleaning? Why would there be cat hair there? Do the cat’s hang out in my washing machine and have meetings? Maybe that’s where they are plotting my demise.

And finally, today I had to vacuum my ceiling fan. That’s right, you read that correctly. And why? Because there was cat hair on the blades. How does that happen? I know in cartoons cats can walk on ceilings, but this is reality. Maybe my house has some reverse gravity center here. How does cat hair end up 10 feet up in the air? It is amazing. And it’s not like it was a little bit of cat hair, it was a lot of cat hair. A little dust, but a lot of cat hair.

I never understood why my mom had to clean so often, but I am finally beginning to understand.

Briefing Day

Today was a day that will live in infamy. Ok, that’s not true, but today was the day I had to brief the office on what I do. The boss’s boss wants the members of the office to brief everyone on our jobs. We were broken up into teams, and I was lucky enough to land on team one, which meant that we brief with the first group. I actually don’t mind, I wanted to get it out of the way. Well, until I heard that I will be doing this every 4 weeks. There are some fun times ahead. They tried to motivate us to submit our charts by saying those that turned in their charts late would be made to go first. Well, it turns out that a few of us wanted to go first. Get the pain out of the way early. I tried to go first, but I could only get to go third. The big boss was the first to go, and since he is the big cheese, I faked interest.

Briefing on what I am currently doing is not all that exciting. I manage a government contract. That’s it. Nothing exciting.

Now, most of the briefings were very formal and professional. And, since I really only care about my job, not all that interesting to me. Mine, however, was more fun. In fact, mine was probably the second funniest briefing given. I did brief on what I do, I process funding documents, I manage projects, I review contract documents. I cannot make that sound exciting. I also cannot say that what I will be doing in the future will be any different. So, I added enjoy Christmas dinner with the family and cage diving with great white sharks into my future activities. It did help that my direct boss added at this time that there might be an opening in our branch come October.

It got a laugh. It was fun. It was completely pointless. I have no interest in doing what the other teams do. In fact, if I were transferred to one of those teams, my full time job would become finding a new full time job.

Das MINI

I take a lot of flack for driving a MINI cooper. And the MINI takes a lot of flack for being a MINI. I admit, I like the car, and it fun to drive. I will also admit that the MINI does have some issues, but most of those are user error. I can’t blame MINI or BMW for when the operator bent the suspension. In fact, for how hard the curb was hit, I’m surprised that more damage wasn’t done. And right now, I can picture a certain someone smirking.

Complaint number one; the MINI does have a rough ride. I mean, spinal chord compressing rough. And that’s in the front seat. In the back seat, if you can actually fit, you become a part the suspension. I already owe someone a few paid trips to the chiropractor, if not to the surgeon, in order to fix her spinal chord. This is because my MINI has run-flat tires and a racing suspension. It is designed for handling, not comfort. So, it is fun to drive, but even I admit it has caused me to send some of my money to my chiropractor. Hell, if you hit an ant hill at speed, you will feel it.

Complaint number two; it may be possessed. I have a history of cars with weird electronic issues. My Ford T-bird randomly turned off it’s own lights. The T-bird and the GTI randomly didn’t play certain CD’s, usually country music. OK, that was something I enjoyed about my radios. The MINI? Well, it seems to either be possessed, or have it’s own intelligence. Recently, on really cold days, it seems to have turned up the heat on it’s own. I’m not complaining, except that suddenly it gets really hot in the car and that’s when I notice how high the heater was set. It’s also gets a weird electrical surge on start up on really cold days. I can’t explain it; I just have to live with it.

Complaint number three; the heated seats. Don’t get me wrong, I like the heated seats, but they seem to have only 3 settings, off, searing hot, and make your ass sweat. Nice in the short term, but not so nice in the long term. I’ve had passengers, well, one passenger, who would turn my heated seat without my knowledge. And I wouldn’t realize it till I was uncomfortable.

Final complaint; the speedometer. The thing is massive. A car two miles behind me can read it. And it’s not in front of me, it’s located in the middle of the dashboard. When I drive someone else’s car, I keep looking for the speedometer in the middle of their car. I have to think about where it should be.

And now, for someone to comment about how I owe her a new back.

The Cowardly Cat

Angel is a longhaired Persian and the most talkative roommate I have at the moment. But, she is one big coward. She is staying here because my parents are not able to live in their own house at the moment, and since I owe them my life, taking care of one of their cats is a small price to pay.

Now, Angel is a friendly cat, but she is skittish and scared of everything, possibly including her own shadow. Some guests I’ve had over, who have spent almost the entire day at my house, have never seen this cat. In fact, I am sure some of them think she is a figment of my imagination. But I swear, she’s real.

In fact, the only time she’s not scared of me is when I am laying in bed. She jumps up, pushes Loki off, and lies on y stomach. Purring away. But as soon as I move, to get up or to turn off the light, she flees from me. If she is eating and I have to walk past, she runs from me. I keep trying to tell her that no one is going to hurt her, but she’s a cat and doesn’t understand.

As a side note, which shows how much of a cat guy I am. When she is eating, I do my best not to disturb her. I will go out of my way to keep away from her, allowing her to eat peacefully.

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Playing the Lotto

One of the best parts of playing the lotto is the hope that it gives you and today’s tax on the stupid now over 500 million. And since the amount is so high, the office decided to get some tickets as a group. Now, I know the odd of winning does not go up significantly with extra tickets, but it at 500 million, even I become stupid. Yes, with the office, I put in some money for a ticket.

Now, here is where the dreams come in. I mean, I would pay off my debt, and that of my family of course. But what would I do after that? I know I would hit the three places I want to dive with great white sharks. Guadeloupe, South Africa, and Australia would all be hit. Then I know I would do to the Bahamas to dive Tiger Beach. And of course, I would have to take my dive buddy with me. Now, while I may pay for him to go on these trips, he may have to pay for his wife to go on his own. I would probably also go to some racetrack and drive

Would I keep working? I have to admit; I probably would, at least for a little while. I would probably work till I got fired. My interactions with my good customers, customers I like, would not change. However, my interactions with customers who annoy me or tick me off, well, my responses would probably get me fired within a week. I just wouldn’t care enough to be nice anymore.

I know, most people would give their two weeks notice, and I know that I am probably crazy for not. But I would need something to occupy my time, even if only for a little while. And having the freedom to do what I want, when I want to, that is the ultimate dream.

Good Characters

The best writers know how to invoke the best emotions. The also invoke some of the worst as well. They make you believe in a character. The make you believe that they are real.

One of my favorite series of novels is “The Saga of the Seven Suns” by Kevin J. Anderson. There was one character, an older woman, who you are introduced to in the second novel. And I hated her. Absolutely hated her. As the series progressed, you begin to understand her. And by book six, you actually like her. She is an awesome character. And then she dies. That’s right, Kevin J. Anderson kills her off and you actually regret her dying. A few months later, I started reading the series again, and when I got to book 2, I hater her again. I had to tell myself that I would like her by the end, but I couldn’t like her at that time. I hated her again. Now that is some good writing.

Now, someone introduced me to the T.V. show “Sons of Anarchy.” And I already hate some characters and love others. That’s what ropes you into a show, good writing, good plots, and good characters. If you are missing any one of those, a show will not be able to continue. You actually find yourself hoping that some characters die, or at least are severely punished. And the same goes for books. The best characters make the best books and shows.

So yes, I am now addicted to another TV show. Add SoA to Doctor Who, Star Trek, X-Files, Big Bang Theory…

Funny, thinking about it, Godzilla disproves most of those. Not good plots, not great acting, and the character you are rooting for is a 100 foot tall radioactive monster. Maybe it doesn’t hold true for movies, or maybe it’s just monster movies.

Pipsqueak

My sister’s cat has been here for about a year now. And I admit, I am growing attached to the little pain in the ass. I’m not saying that I am not looking forward to her going home, but I don’t mind her being here. She’s not the individual who attacks Loki, that would be Angel. And Pips is one moody cat. She can be lying next to you, meowing to be petted, purring away, and then suddenly you are bleeding profusely, claws are dug into you skin, and you are experiencing a pain that no one should ever suffer.

Now, this little fat cat is on a diet, much like the other two. The vet called it the “catkins” diet since they are all on a high meat diet. Funny, the only meat in this house is for the cats, since the one human here is a vegetarian.

Now, all three cats are allowed to sleep in my bed when they want too. It’s easier than fighting them trying to keep them off the bed. Loki and Angle use their ability to jump to jump into my bed. Pips, well, she can’t quite make the jump. In fact, I am not sure I have ever seen her jump. She claws and drags her way into the bed. I can hear it every night, and I do not want to think what she is doing to the sheets. They are probably becoming shredded. Now, the best part of this is that I have never seen her do this. I have only heard it. Even this morning, she was sitting on the floor next to the bed. I could tell that she wanted into the bed, but she kept staring at me. I couldn’t tell if she wanted me to pick her up, or if she wanted me to look away. It was as if she was too embarrassed to have me watch her climb into the bed. So, I picked her up and placed her into my bed. She curled up and fell asleep while I started off my day.

Pips must have some fantastic upper body strength to drag herself into the bed.

Disappointed

When I was a kid, I drank soda and sports drinks all the time. However, after my father had a heart attack, I decided that changing my diet would be a good thing. I started eating healthier and I drank a lot less of those sugary drinks, and I started drinking a lot more water. I also started exercising and I lost a significant amount of weight. I was very happy with myself. Then I became a vegetarian, and lost some more weight. I was surprised I could keep up the healthy diet, but I did.

Well, in the last few years, I haven’t exercised as much as I used too, and I have been drinking a lot more soda. I’m still a vegetarian, but the junk food and soda consumption has really been bothering me lately. The amount of sugar I am drinking, all of those wasted calories, I am better than that.

So, starting now, well, starting yesterday, I am cutting back my drinking of sugary drinks. This is my New Year’s resolution, but it is effective now. I am going to limit myself to one soda a week at most. I will bring water with me as much as possible, and if I don’t bring it, I will buy it. I will still continue to drink wine when I want it.

I will also cut back on my snack foods. My lunches that I bring to work are no longer microwavable dinners. I will now bring salads.

I will go back to eating healthier. Now, if I could just get back into the exercise routine.

Maybe next spring when I start kayaking and diving again. After all, no one wants to see me in a wet suit, not even me.

Conflicting Meetings

A few weeks ago, I decided that I should have a meeting with my contractors, just to go over where we stand, what they need, what I need, and any help they can give me in getting government POC’s to do their job. We talked about when we should meet, and finally decided on today at ten o’clock. Why did I pick this time? Well, if the meeting lasted more than an hour, which it did, I would not be able to attend my office’s weekly waste of time. So, when I was asked how long I would need to discuss things with them, I said I needed at least an hour and a half. Easily putting me past the usual run time of the offices meetings, where nothing is covered except that they don’t expect us to be RIFed, also known as “Reduction in Force” or “Let Go.”

By the way, bringing up the fact that you do not think we will be RIFed every week, sort of like you did with the furloughs, does not make me feel confident in what you are saying. And if a RIF does happen, I am woefully unprepared for it since I do not know the rules and laws. Maybe have someone brief us on that for a worst-case scenario.

Anyway, apparently in today’s missed meeting, I missed nothing. Well, I did miss one thing. I missed being told that I have to brief the entire office on what I recently worked on or am currently working on, and what I will be working on in the near future. And I have to brief for a whole two minutes. Now, I can do this briefing in about 30 seconds. I currently process funding for the contract, and I will continue to process funding for the contract. And the only way things will change is if I get a new agency or if I get a new job.

I get the feeling the big boss is now just looking for filler for these meetings. No offense to other people in the office, but I really don’t care all that much what you do, and I cannot make what I do sound exciting. I could probably put people to sleep in under two minutes.

I process money.

That’s it.

Briefing done.

Morning Wake Up

A few nights ago, late at night, I awoke a loud noise. It was this weird banging. I had no idea what it was, and I have never heard that noise before. Of course, me being me, I expected the worst at first. Was it a burglar? Was someone trying to break in? I decided I needed to investigate; I needed to know what this was. And no, I did not grab one of the many swords next to my bed. After I got up, I immediately noticed something strange, there were no cats in my bed. That almost never happens, and when it does, they are up to no good. I got my thoughts under control and realized that what ever this noise was, it was a cat’s fault. It had to be.

So I started down the stairs, still hearing the noise. What the heck could this banging be? Halfway down the stairs, Pipsqueak was laying there, intently staring down the stairs. Even me walking towards her couldn’t tear her attention away. I continued to walk down the stairs, stepping over that fat little fur ball, and continued my investigation.

When I reached the bottom of the steps, I found the culprit. Loki. Another one of the other fat balls of fur. And what was he doing? He was trying to get into my closet. I have no idea why, but he was determined. He would reach under the door and pull on it. The pulling on the door would cause the loud banging. This little pain in the butt woke me up in the middle of the night. He woke me up on a work night. The nerve!

Two days later, I found the closet door open. The little bastard managed to pull the door open. I have no idea why he is suddenly interested in the closet but now he knows how to get into the closet.

And I know that one day I will shut a cat into the closet. And then the poor thing will be in there till I notice the cat missing. And that could take a while with how oblivious I can be.